segunda-feira, 26 de maio de 2008

Horóscopo amoroso

Hoje inauguro um novo espaço: "O Horóscopo". No primeiro dia será o "horóscopo amoroso", para outros guardarei o financeiro, de saúde e de carreira.
Depois de ter consultado as estrelas, os búzios, os espíritos deste e dos outros mundos e de ter comido dois pastéis de nata, um mil folhas e uma bola com creme, eis o resultado:

AQUÁRIO
Se teima em ser envergonhado(a) vai passar o resto dos seus dias a mão e água. Perca o receio e seja descarado(a). Mas descarado(a) mesmo. Se tentar a sorte com 100 pessoas e levar 99 estalos na cara, sempre terá mais parceiros sexuais do que se passar o tempo quieto no seu canto…

PEIXES
Trocar a companhia da sua namorada para ir ver futebol com os seus amigos é a decisão mais natural. Mas não se esqueça que as mulheres pensam de maneira diferente e não se admire se vir um cartão amarelo e tiver de cumprir um jogo de suspensão… Já as mulheres podem fazer o que muito bem quiserem, porque os homens nunca lhes mostram cartões amarelos…

CARNEIRO
As expressões “Amo-te”, “estás linda(o)” ou “comia-te até aos ossos” devem ser usadas de quando em vez. Todos nós gostamos de nos sentir acarinhados. Mesmo que apenas a terceira expressão seja verdadeira, todas devem ser usadas com conta, peso e medida. Um elogio por dia, nem sabe o bem que lhe fazia.

TOURO
Caro touro: quando se refere que deve investir na sua relação não estamos a aconselhar que vá de… cabeça contra a pessoa amada… Seja mais carinhoso… Você já faz muitas festinhas? Mas olhe que o parceiro também gosta que sejam feitas no rosto…

GÉMEOS
Excesso de confiança pode ser fatal. Sabe o que significa a expressão francesa menage à trois? Se não cuidar do(a) parceiro(a), qualquer dia chega a casa e fica a saber... A não ser que essa seja uma fantasia sexual. E as fantasias são como as vaginas: cada mulher tem a sua.

CARANGUEJO
Amor e uma cabana só se for em… Cabanas de Tavira. Deixe de ser unhas de fome e encha de prendas a pessoa amada. Eu, por exemplo, que sou caranguejo, farto-me de comprar chocolates para a minha companheira. (É certo que ela não os pode comer, mas o que vale é a intenção. E como não gosto de deixar estragar comida…)

LEÃO
Se você se esquece dos preliminares, como é que ela se há-de lembrar do orgasmo? Vá com calma. Comece por lamber a planta dos pés e acabe apenas no couro cabeludo, vai ver como resulta, excepto se a pessoa amada andar a fugir ao banho há mais de um mês.

VIRGEM
Tentar engatar dizendo que é virgem pode até ser verdade, mas revela enorme falta de imaginação. Seja criativo, se faz favor! Aliás, imaginação é coisa que não falta a quem é Virgem. De signo, senhores…

BALANÇA

Seja um pouco mais paciente, não queira tudo na hora. Querer dizer “tu és virgem… não eras?” só resulta como piada. Na vida real, dê-lhe mais uns segundos para pensar.

ESCORPIÃO
Se você continua a insistir com uma pessoa que já lhe deu 723 negas é porque chegou a hora de lavar os ouvidos.

SAGITÁRIO
Hoje tente agradar ao seu parceiro oferecendo-lhe uma caixa de chocolates. Também pode ser uma embalagem de pastéis de Belém ou uma mousse de chocolate.*

CAPRICÓRNIO
Ter dito à sua cara metade que era parecida com o rinoceronte que viram no jardim zoológico é capaz de não ter sido um elogio brilhante. Mas ainda está a tempo de pedir desculpa. Se levar um estalo não se aborreça. É bem merecido.

* não consegui resistir à tentação de fazer um horóscopo a pensar na minha companheira… O que não é nada ético… Mas estava mesmo a precisar de uns chocolates

60 comentários:

Anónimo disse...

Gosto particularmente do signo caranguejo, vamos lá ver se a minha pessoa amada o lê para cumprir o que está lá escrito! hihihihi! beijos grandes e continua a escrever já que animas as minhas manhãs! cristina

Jorge Pessoa e Silva disse...

Beijinhos Cristina. E bom trabalho. Se a pessoa amada te oferecer chocolates, não te esqueças de guardar um para mim...

Um Momento disse...

OLá...
Bem... sou caranguejo e já sorri com o "unhas de fome:D)

Gostei de ler:))
Boa semana desejo

(*)

Jorge Pessoa e Silva disse...

Viva. Sinto-me desconfortável por te tratar por "um momento" e confortável por saber que também és caranguejo, já que eu nasci a 17de Julho. Fiquei mesmo contente com a tua visita e por teres deixado comentário. Obrigado

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Socorro!!! lol

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Cruzes, até me assustei com o teu socorro.. rs...
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